margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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