I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
