I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Randomize
