Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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