I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
