dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
i drank out of a bidet.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
