I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
this just has baby written all over it
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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