I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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