i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
