i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
