"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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