I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Drunk is not a location!
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize