Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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