Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Randomize
