You can't motorboat a personality
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
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