omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
