while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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