If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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