Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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