I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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