If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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