I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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