I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
