dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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