so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Dignity is for republicans.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
