I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
