I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
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