I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
