Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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