i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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