I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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