i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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