And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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