I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
