She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
