Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize