Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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