that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Randomize
