I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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