Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
