I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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