Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize