No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
