Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Your shirt... Was in my pants
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
