P.S. I can't hear my feet
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Randomize