You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
