he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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