I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
sarcasm needs its own font
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
