So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
a search helicopter?!
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
