I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
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