i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
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