you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize