can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize