This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
my poor anus
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Randomize
