this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
