I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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