at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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