If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I did not marry a roomba.
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