There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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