I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
