Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
