I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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