I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I am naked and annoyed.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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