She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
