You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
