ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
