you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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