My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
