So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
